An unexpected surprise is when a friend decides to make your solo trip easier by picking you up at the airport. So W heard of my coming, and kindly offered to bring me around her country and even had an elaborate plan. After countless embarassing times I had to ask her to change her schedule to fit mine, I was there at Don Muang airport.

The flight was populated by Thais. Even at Changi Airport, the announcments were first made in Thai to board the aircraft, followed by in English. I was surprised that I could still understand the general idea of each sentence, having been out of practice for so long.

I queued up. But didn't realise I was in the way of a lady with a child.
'Excuse me'
I turned around.
'O!' She gaspsed and looked a little embarassed, 'Khor Thoat Kha' She said in Thai instead.
I moved out of her way and smiled.

Left a little confused why a Thai would find a farang (foreigner) an ambiguous entity, when I was right there in Singapore. And that made me worry the air stewardess wouldn't pass me my immigration card before we reached the Land of Smiles.

-----------------

It was 30 minutes past noon. 

The air in these air crafts always assaults my sinuses. I was a wreck queuing up at the immigration. A true blue farang turned around and commented that he never had any of these problems on flights. And that it seemed most Asians have it. It made sense. But we made no further conversations. 

I lugged my haversack, my guitar and my crumpler all onto the trolley. 

The officer must have thought I would be too slow to load up all the luggage onto the X-ray scanning thingy, he let me pass.

In the midst of everyone, J, W's other half stood out amongst them.

And for the rest of the day, I would get to see Ayuthaya with W&J. I felt kind of intruding yet grateful and desperate enough for some sort of guide out of Don Muang and around Thailand. 

Had I arrived at the main international airport it would've been so much easier - the airport rail, the BTS. But Don Muang has none of those. Not even selling the tourist SIM card.

------------

The drive to ayuthaya was about an hour. And when we were there, it felt like a Thai version of Kending.

Except the sea was a river instead.

Homestays could be found in every soi (alleys), every turn, and their backyards were usually the river.

Lunch was lovely, river prawns and river fish. 

I always preferred Thai food to Chinese food in terms of Tze Char style.

Then we did what all first-timers to Ayuthaya must do.

We saw the ancient ruins of Ayuthaya, the former capital of Thailand for 417 years. The main pagoda was still smack in the middle of the traffic and it became a wongwian (traffic circle/ round about).

The ruins were a UNESCO Heritage Site. Whatever that means, it seems awesome to visit it.

Except it is like the Piazzo beside the Roman Colosseum - imagination required ++.

Wind, rain and militants have assaulted the structures years ago. Though now protected, time continues to corrode it, brick by brick.

We visited the floating market. Spend time getting lost around it. And found out we had arrived too late - elephant rides were closed, cultural performances ended, shops were closing. But I bought an interesting local snack Roti Sinai (?sp). It's like popiah skin wrapped around shreds of sugar (like shredded cotton candy). Meant for dessert after dinner.

Dinner was Thai-styled barbecue. Which they ironically call it Korean style barbecue in Thai. 

Confusing much.

But its a charcoal clay base on top which we place an aluminium dome shaped appartus. The dome is pierced with many holes and serve as a hot plate for BBQ-ing meat. Around that dome would be a circular catchment area, where soup was poured in to boil instead of BBQ. 

I loved it. We all had so much to eat that Roti Sinai was reserved for breakfast instead.

--------

7am we were out. 

The homestay was so beautiful and comfortable. 

Last night I was so so tempted to just sleep without showering - yes with the BBQ smell and the day's journey on my back even. I enjoyed myself, but having slept at 5am the previous night, I was close to comatose.

The mosquito net kept the bugs out. The air con kept the heat out.

And the weariness kept the loneliness out.

Now in the morning we could see the river better. We threw in some bread we bought last night into the river and watched the little fishies jumped at them with menance. They're probably having a civil war down there over bread.

9am we reached the bus terminal, in the thick of the Bangkok traffic. 

We had planned to reach at 8.30am. 

I bid W goodbye, and regretted not bidding J goodbye as he parked the car.

I got on the bus in time, and the loneliness sunk in.

 

Sometimes when you leave for a place afar, you convince everybody else around you it's an awesome place you're going to. And their excitement is what keeps you on course instead.

So, with much apprehension, I managed to overcome the procrastination bugs within me and started packing my haversack - at 11.36pm. I've been travelling the past 2 months and I pretty know what I need to bring and where everything is. So it took me much faster than when I was packing for my 6 weeks to India.
Afterall, this was half the length and did not require any winter clothes.

But still, I ended at 4.46am.

And that helped me to wake up at 7.45am.
The flight was at 10.50am. Not funny.
Called a cab, still couldn't make it on time. Aunty was ready to leave with the cab empty by the time I got downstairs.

One right turn - main road.
Second right turn - road leading to the highway straigh to the airport.
I could make it. Really.

20 min later.
I was 20m away from where I was.

I couldn't take it anymore. I told aunty I was going to miss my flight.
She apologised."Usually PIE is faster than AYE".
But we both know. I should've gotten up earlier.
But I know. I should've packed my bag on Sunday night.


30min later, we passed the accident site. And merciful aunty kindly went all the way on the accelerator pedal.
But the clock was ticking, as if in response to her speed.
I could miss the flight.
Check-in online? Tried. Failed. Too late, it's closed.

A thousand heart beats later. I arrived at the terminal. I rushed to the counter, the service personnel quickly processed my check-in. No others in line seemed to be going to the same destination. Most of them are for later flights.

Nonethelss, I sped toward the custom clearance.
No goodbyes.
No need to look back.

I hadn't even had much time to tell my parents I was leaving.
I thought I would see them in the morning.
But I didn't.
Only woke up to hear my own sister showering in the toilet, and had time only to shout "good bye, I'm going to Thailand!"

That really haunted me as I raced toward the plane.
The last time I did that before leaving India, I returned without ever having the opportunity to say goodbye to a dear friend. I was just 100m away from her every night while doing my night shift.
I was so tired the last night, and hadn't packed my bags that I decided I will not go see her.
I thought I could bring back some nice stories to share with her.
She who has been imprisoned in that same room for the last 6 months after her bone marrow transplant. Infection after infection. I knew without a doubt she'd overcome them all. And soon, she'll be out and about in no time. I knew. I thought I knew.

So this short time I was back in Singapore. I made sure I said my goodbyes to the dear ones.
Because you never know when it really would be the last time.
But the truth is, I left them out of it. Subconciously or consciously. Maybe both.
My priorities are so messed up.

What good will come out of me, leaving them again?
How will I ever find that balance I've been wanting to achieve. Just 8 days back with them has numbed me of the feelings a healthy normal person would never wish to be without for the rest of their lives?
The feeling of family.

But then, what was that apprehension all about?

The chills and aches are running over my body as I alternate between typing and blowing my nose. It's already been 5 days butI no longer feel home.

49 days ago, I packed my haversack in a hurry. With insufficent space in my bag and insufficient power in my back, I had to leave behind so many things I wanted to bring along with me.
Why did I leave?
Perhaps because I could no longer live with the person I have become to be.

8 years ago I found God.
6 years ago I found myself. lost.
Lost in the expectations of men, society and family.

4 years ago I abandoned almost everything I came to believe in and fled. I was physically existing and not liking a single bit of it.

I indulged in any form of ill discipline I could - the fruit of which is time lost, and an extremely terrible clutter of mess and dust in my own room.

The journey I embarked on 49 days ago is a mere beginning.

So I came back, a little changed.
And not being able to tolerate my old habits.
 
The frustrating but childish question that bogged my mind and soul for 4 years is slowly crumbling into pieces. The dead knot slowly loosened and hopefully untied.
And the childish acts of defiance to my own well-being was no longer even temporarily satisfying.


A year ago, when I got a new phone, the lady kindly downloaded 'Angry Birds' on my phone to test it was working properly.
And that started it - the addiction of hp games slowly crept into my life.

As a time stealer, and an escape - only to leave me physically tired every day but emotionally not feeling any better. It occupied my mind outside of work. I didn't want to work OT, but I didn't want to think of all that has happened. So frustrating and confusing, the games became a convenient temporal satisfaction like alcohol to a broken heart.


Today I returned to home and had my games going again. For the last 4 days, even today.
And an utter disgust overwhelmed me, the thick layer of dust screamed at me and made my nose sneeze and eye itch terribly.

So it was hello, for the past 4 days. I know you will find your unlimited no. of victims in the broken world out there.
But goodbye, forever. I may miss you from time to time, but definitely less often as time goes by.

Playing each game for the last time, I recall the lovely world of Books I found in Manali, India.
O! That which increased my insights, and left me so much more satisfied, and changed my life a little by a little. 

If each game was 5min, I would have wasted almost 24h running away from a virtual gorilla.
That's 3 full 8h work-days!

This wasn't fun at all.
Honestly, I played because everybody was playing it.

RIP Guy Dangerous & the other characters of the game,
whose names I forgotten in the duration I took to upload these photos.

此刻身在被印度的小镇。
两天前终于发现了wifi, 不知不觉已经离开了家18天。

临走的时刻我心中满怀惆怅。思念如此的强烈，思念舒服安稳的新加坡。
踏出国土的那一刻却被世界的真实深深的吸引着。
这18天没有回头思念家园。只是融入一个又一个新的文化与社会。

思考需要多少时间？
改变需要多少震撼？
简单幸福有多遥远？

posted from Bloggeroid

Gosh it's December and there's so much to do.
I want to stop and reflect but there is so much overwhelming me. Work, meet-ups, presents, family... planning the year ahead.
It's just another crazy mad rush again.
Today was my last lesson for guitar of the year finally got approved of the piece I've been tasked to work on for the last 3 weeks then I rushed off for a secondary school gathering dinner...
In the midst of this dashing around with my presentation deadlines looming scarily close and my slides terrifyingly naked... I board a train with thoughts whirling in my head.
I sat down and continue to b busy and just beside me sat a calm old lady.
As her stop approached and she prepared to alight, she turned and said to me "Miss, you are very beautiful. "

I was so absorbed I said the only courteous thing I knew without processing it. "O thank you!"

so I lugged my guitar along since I was also alighting coincidentally.
Not feeling beautiful not glam and kinda fat reminding myself not to overeat later on.

And now as the whole hustling has ended and I sit in my room ready to restart on my slides at 1230am...I wonder if I actually met an angel today.

posted from Bloggeroid

一样的规律，一样的形式
变化中也带着千篇一律的乏味

突发的事件，突发的情绪
匆忙中皆含有沉重枯燥的累赘

千万的人群，百万个途径
层次分歧中终究朝往统一的结局

有人努力，有人懒散
有人追求荣华，有人追求快感
有人百病缠身，有人身无分文
有人信靠上帝，有人求问各方神明

其中之别可否果真有别

posted from Bloggeroid

There is no practical reason to pick it up.
It was merely an inclination toward this wooden gourd shaped bulky piece of furniture.
When I gave up the large cranky boring piano, I told mum "I'd like to play the guitar!"
"O no, you can't... it's too big for you. You're just 5 years old, my dear!"
but I didn't believed her. I'm sure there is one, just the right size for me! Why can't we little people have a go too? So I searched high and far, searching all the time.

One day. One day somebody would invent a mini guitar for us little people! It can't be impossible!

Along came one day, a well dressed little lady. More a lady than I was, she strolled across a busy street just 50m away from me.
"Look Mum, look! Just over there! A little lady slinging on a little guitar! It's possible!"
Mum looked up just when the little lady turned the corner. She didn't get to see it.

But she looked upon me with a look that said "Piano lessons didn't come cheap but you had no heart to put it to practice!"
I feel like I didn't deserve to play the guitar:(

Now 7 years flashed by and the PSLE was done. I have fared well in school and certainly deserve another try?
"What do you want to learn?" Mum asked.

"Well, I want to learn the guitar!!"

Curious was the age twelve that though you're fine you feel horrid all year round!
No I don't want to have group classes! The others won't like me at all!

But individual lessons don't come cheap and Mum didn't have that kind of budget.
So I limped on to secondary school guitar-less and aimless through it all.

5 more new years swept by and I met an incredible guy.
He taught me how to enjoy my life and be confident of who am I.
Because of Him I found some courage to pick up my old passion again. And this time I'd starve for the money to make my dream take flight again.

By the amazing twist of fate, a lovely neighbour asked me and said, "Why don't I teach you instead?"
My eyes brightened and my fingers stretched...it's not everyday you get a chance like that!!

And so my love rekindled like that.
It's just a beginning not an end in that.

What happened then was quite another 7 christmases ago.
Like I always told myself, better late than never and sad.

It's still a struggle with life and music.
But life stifling music will just be sick.

Today I finally worked to join the ranks of a true student. I've officially graduated from the induction course.

The road is long and I am old.
I'm here where I want to be a long time ago.
It's not sad, no no no.
I took those detours so my heart will know.

posted from Bloggeroid