i started this blog because i wanted to make it a point to stop being emo.
i wanted to focuss on the happyness in life we so often lose sight of...
i thought i would be updating the happy things here, and the unhappy bouts of emo-ness in the other.
but somehow, i feel that i should post this entry here..

this uncle in my church just passed away. he just. fell. dead. just like that.
so it is quite a shock to his family and everybody in church.
he's the uncle that comes every week, and waits for the church to open... thats like 7plus am.
and he sits on the staircase of the old building, sometimes filthy due to residues left behind by pub-goers the night before.
he is usually earlier than us who are scheduled to open the church...
and when we are late... he doesn't care. he is just happy we are there to open the church.

he comes every week. to just arrange chairs and do what he can.
he is only on duty once a month. he is sixty eight years old.
but he carries stacks of chairs with joy and is quick to do it before we lazy youngsters get to the job.

i even despise my duty.
lamenting the need to wake up so freaking early and being on duty almost every week of the month.
sometimes i can't wake up and say to my team leader "aiyah, uncle ZC will be there to help you"

i'm ashamed. i took him for granted.

last sunday was the last time i saw him.
i don't see/ talk to everyone on every sunday.
and rarely i have any common topics with him.

i'm thankful. that i managed to speak to him last sunday. for the last time.
i wonder if i am good enough to be able to keep the salvation God has bestowed upon me.
whether at the end of my life, i would have fulfilled the high calling in my life and see uncle ZC in heaven.

he's illiterate. and he has only came to church for two years.
i'm freaking smart compared to him. and i have been in church for five years now.

but he is far wiser. he has spent much time, asking people to read to him the Bible and has memorised more of the Bible than I have.
my friends, you know how much i can memorise....
but it is not that he can memorise so much more than i can.
but he did memorise more than i was willing to.

i thank God for his passing. for it was quick and painless..
probably a milisecond of angina... when his heart stopped.
but he is now, safely away from the troubles of this world.
he has ended his life well, with a close relationship with God.


and i seriously doubt my own perseverence in this path of faith.
for it is so contrary to the world. and my mind just evaluates many options and condemn them to be silly and impossible in this time and age. scorning in my heart the very suggestion of the paths of righteousness.
knowing not that i am blinded by my pride and formal education.

today at his cremation. i learnt that he knew he had only a little time left. and that's why he was so focussed on serving God and learning the ways of Christ.
perhaps, i think i have so much time.
that the abundance of the time i have to live has ironically steered me away from living life as it should be.
death, on the contrary, kept him on the path to everlasting life.


to us of all religions and beliefs,
keeping in view the certainty of death, probably helps us to hold on to the very essence of life.

because we won't be wasting our time facebooking and playing DOTA or watching dramas and plain achieving grades.
we would be doing that which matters most - which we have to find out ourselves

haven't updated for a while cos i'm super busy and tired.
but although i have a presentation due tomorrow, let me just update this space.

i thank God for all these happyness in my life right now.
i am so dead beat everyday i go home from my internship, yet i still arrive early and leave late on some days so that i can complete more of the workload assigned to me.

well, i thank God that i got the institution and the timing of internship i desired.
and so did He do the same thing last year.
but such things are often disputable... it can be reasoned out and hard to see that God is truly in it all..

However, the pharmacist supervising me is really a blessing from God.
of so many years of chui-ness in my course, I hardly feel qualified to go and learn the really cool stuff... because i'm always struggling with memorising basics.
I thought of lost my "i can memorise all things" attitude I had up until JC.

sadist, or not, I do love to memorise things... knowledge at its purest form.. puts joy in my heart.
and the kinder side of me is fulfilled when I see that I have helped someone out.
I now see my internal constituents and the external situations I am in, a deliberate alignment by God. who has brought me to a course I never considered until a few weeks before matriculation.

oh my supervising pharmacist is the exact kind of person that I learn well from. very systematic, easy to follow and have high standards. Although, i may not be as competent as others, or what I desire myself to be... but I know I learn best in such situations. Where I get to learn things on the job :)

ayes, this post is such an understatement of the dilemna i face everyday - joyful for the big new world i am exposed to and dread of the moutains of workload pushing me into my grave, inch by inch.
but trust me, the NPCC sadist staff sergeant in me, i enjoy this torture.
i belive i am going to be a better pharamcist and student!