And so, it happens almost like the well greased clockwork of a mechanical heart. Every Saturday as the sun rises high at noon day, the dormant carefree true self emerges from the mundane cocoon of society and ceaseless work.
Ironically, we cease for the mere 1.5 days before returning to find more has accumulated.
But we no longer live from moment to moment, like a student. We now exist from moment to moment and live for the weekend.
Ahh, shall bike so aimlessly around my neighborhood for starters.
And hum a tune on my ukelele through the evening. And yes, you pseudo life of Facebook shall pale in comparison to the real thing.
It was the first time I was in the waiting hall of the Hong Kong International Airport after it had been renovated and newly furnished since I last came 16 years ago. Hong Kong has changed tremedously, and culture shifted inevitably closer to that of the central government in Peking.
The past 3 days have been hectic, but nonethelss enjoyable. Visiting the sights and tasting the local delciacies, with the friends I have not seen for years, it's a rare opportunity. But amidst it all, there was always a lingering feeling - intertwined with appreciation and disappointment - the feeling that I have never left home.
Everything in Hong Kong runs like a clock, the mechanisms of society unendlessly running through the fine-tuned gears of economic prosperity. The traffic comes from the same side of the road just like back at home, and the electric sockets need no additional adaptors to fit my Canon battery pack. The traces of the British have been too deeply rooted in both our societies, it cannot be simply negated at the whimps of political upheaval or the change of governments.Even the distance from the hotel to the Yau Ma Tei MTR station bears an uncanny painful distance from home to the Lakeside MRT station.
I reflect on my past 3 days, how I have skipped meals to make the best out of the trip, how I have forgotten the pangs of hunger to queue up for another ride in Disneyland or to rush to another factory outlet in search of goods I wasnted but never could pay for back in Singapore. Then again, the spooky resemblance to that back at home, where we work never-endingly even through our lunch breaks saying that there is no time sufficient and there is no end to work. Perhaps, it is the atmosphere on the two islands, perhaps its the anxiety that drives us Hong Kong-ers and Singaporeans alike. We never know when to stop,when to eat and when to prioritise physiological needs over psychological over-emphasis on the tasks on hand.
I look at my plate of Popeye's fried chciken, thankful that with globalisation I could have this familiar dish set in front of me, thankful that with economic growth the Hong Kong dollar-less Singaporean could purchase her last meal in Hong Kong with her Visa before boarding the budget airline back home. And I recall the days, where I strongly oppose globalisation and the dilution of the local cultures of the earth. Now I enjoy my meal abashed that it is because of this very dilution of culture and economic growth that I could fit so easily and comfortably in a place miles from home.
I had spent my weekend away from home, doing things I also could have done at home.
except Disneyland which was awesome. Then again, there's the new Legoland now just next door.
For there is a time for everything
But there is also a "best before" date
When they are is never known to Man, who also sometimes enjoy food that are past the expiry dates.
And on such a matter ignorance is the key to bliss and on the former counting one's blessings is instead.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas I am strong, when I am on your shoulders You raise me up... To more than I can be
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I was sitting down in the science library, trying to focus despite the unfamiliar surroundings, and the smell of mold in the air. Before I could warm my seat, my phone rang... It was Dad, and it wasn't the usual nagging or SMSes that he always sent me daily. "The hospital called, they told us to make our way down as fast as we can. And to bring her IC along. They couldn't get your aunt. Let's go down now".
I immediately packed my things. Raced down the stairs as silently as I could.
We all knew it was coming. But, I didn't have enough time. At the very last moment, I doubted myself... I still failed to treasure the time I had with her. As I waited anxiously, around the canteen awaiting the yellow vehicle, I met with some whom I told the news.
"Is it alright?" "Are you okay?"
I was. Is it wrong to be?
All there was left to do was the administrative part of things. We were told to anticipate this, many years before. Yellow man already didn't know what to think. Not that he ever tried to think.
I was the first to arrive. What greeted me was no longer a grandmother who couldn't speak my language, on the bed struggling to take her every breath. It was a mere cadaver, life sucked out of her earthly shell and eyes wide open like it had never been for a while now.
Up till now, I purposed only to see cadavers of people I never knew. Because I dissect and play with their innards in Anatomy class.
It wasn't hard to hold back the tears. But it was hard to keep the waves of memory from washing up the shore of eternal regret.
The last time I saw her was 2 days ago. Why didn't I come yesterday? I could have! But I chose to wake up early to meet a friend for breakfast instead. Is it wrong?
As my aunt cried and shouted for her to come back. And we monitored the 12-lead ECG that she was hooked up to. I don't think she's alive anymore. The nurses said she can still hear us. "There's still abit... see here..." said the nurse pointing to the miniature fluctuations in the ECG. Well, okay... I'd take her word for it. Maybe I'm not that smart afterall.... Maybe, she'd be able to return...
We tried to relieve the agony, and come to terms with everything with a little joke by the bedside.
But in the end... this woman whom i lived with me for a few months when i was 6 years old. met once at a hawker centre at 9 years old. visited at her one-room apartment when i was 19 years old. spent time with fortnightly while i was 22 years old.
has departed.
I was the horrible grand daughter who bullied everyone. She was the loving grandmother who did all she could to accommodate my unreasonable requests, rude, spiteful, inconsiderate...
Surprisingly I still do recall what I demanded of her while I was on my way to PAP Kindergarden. How I mocked her, and she just did it without dignity to make me smile. I feel so terrible. What a monster I was. am.
She was alert on Sunday and Monday. All I could do was sit by her and try to read my Drug Quiz 2. I didn't understand what she was saying. And she couldn't understand the MP3s on my iPod which I place in her ears. Why didn't I visit her on Monday. Why didn't I prepare the mp3 I wanted her to hear, immediately after I reached home on Sunday?
My final regret. was that I undoubtedly grew weary of being a good grand daughter. I didn't try harder.
I have done much more. than if I didn't have God. But my regrets are really, minimised.
We all tried to smile. and pretend we have lives that are more important. knowing inside, she has led a lonely hard life.
I wish they knew. and never forget her.
I wish she didn't say "My life won't stop just because of this"
I wish I didn't had to call and persuade everybody to stop being busy and come to the hospital, to the death bed.
I wish I could have insisted that the silly doctor removed the urinary catheter and made her last days more comfortable.
I wish I had learnt my dialects well.
I wish I can love the rest of them even better, before they depart from this world.
谁言寸草心 抱得三春晖
If I have seen further it is only by standing on the shoulders of giants
Dedicated to a beloved grandmother. Mdm See B.C. widowed at a young age. raised her only 3 year-old son. and took in another young girl. a faithful follower of Christ and a remarkable woman in difficult times.
kimberle says that zebra fishies like lots of friends and lots of marbles. if i were a zebra fishy, my friends would be myself and my marbles would be home organisation tools.
Saturdays are mostly my home-alone days. and my favourite day of the week for now. yea, just a few years back Saturdays I won't be home, the whole day since I needed to travel all the way to church to 'fellowship' (according to them, but according me is waste my time) with kiddies. but now i don't need to and i discovered this secret garden of time (: Now Saturdays, i can sleep until 自然醒 - 我的精神粮食之一。 mainly cos by that time everybody else have left home to go about their own business...
today I couldn't help but started washing things that are so dirty... 家丑不可外扬。but, my home is full of people to busy to care and it is more dirty than hostels cos maybe sometimes they have cleaners to do the work.
I hung the clothes, and arranged the hangers in colours according to the rainbow. but apparently that didn't stop the rain from coming, so I had to keep the clothes I hung out. I also 炖-ed some soup (: My mom bought a new little China pot. That makes enough soup for one person.. I threw carrots and pork ribs, dried scallops and some gouqizi in. It boiled the whole day now, and its now in my nice little room of a world of my own, but its too hot to drink. :) It has not salt in it, but a sweet taste of carrots.
Today I took out the trash, in the little bin just near the sink... OMT. there were maggots. not the first time but the most extensive infestations ever. I think it was always this extensive just that nobody bothered to flip over some things to discover them. Saturdays I don't look at the clock, but I think I spent a good few hours getting rid of the maggots and where they have infested. I didn't have time to pack my OWN room after that... since the day was already well spent. but i generally did some cleaning or i will die like the zebra fishies do.
Now my brain being nocturnal, I'm chilling in my rocking chair savouring my already cooled soup, and then embarking on another noctural adventure in the ocean of notes and redundant informations to memorise. not that the info is redundant. but its lame to memorise them. I know my soup and cleaned room floor would be there to lift my spirits.
i wonder which fish am i most like - solitary, nocturnal, organisational, fastidious maybe i should check out the facebook quizzes. or kim, go make one!
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