There is no practical reason to pick it up.
It was merely an inclination toward this wooden gourd shaped bulky piece of furniture.
When I gave up the large cranky boring piano, I told mum "I'd like to play the guitar!"
"O no, you can't... it's too big for you. You're just 5 years old, my dear!"
but I didn't believed her. I'm sure there is one, just the right size for me! Why can't we little people have a go too? So I searched high and far, searching all the time.

One day. One day somebody would invent a mini guitar for us little people! It can't be impossible!

Along came one day, a well dressed little lady. More a lady than I was, she strolled across a busy street just 50m away from me.
"Look Mum, look! Just over there! A little lady slinging on a little guitar! It's possible!"
Mum looked up just when the little lady turned the corner. She didn't get to see it.

But she looked upon me with a look that said "Piano lessons didn't come cheap but you had no heart to put it to practice!"
I feel like I didn't deserve to play the guitar:(

Now 7 years flashed by and the PSLE was done. I have fared well in school and certainly deserve another try?
"What do you want to learn?" Mum asked.

"Well, I want to learn the guitar!!"

Curious was the age twelve that though you're fine you feel horrid all year round!
No I don't want to have group classes! The others won't like me at all!

But individual lessons don't come cheap and Mum didn't have that kind of budget.
So I limped on to secondary school guitar-less and aimless through it all.

5 more new years swept by and I met an incredible guy.
He taught me how to enjoy my life and be confident of who am I.
Because of Him I found some courage to pick up my old passion again. And this time I'd starve for the money to make my dream take flight again.

By the amazing twist of fate, a lovely neighbour asked me and said, "Why don't I teach you instead?"
My eyes brightened and my fingers stretched...it's not everyday you get a chance like that!!

And so my love rekindled like that.
It's just a beginning not an end in that.

What happened then was quite another 7 christmases ago.
Like I always told myself, better late than never and sad.

It's still a struggle with life and music.
But life stifling music will just be sick.

Today I finally worked to join the ranks of a true student. I've officially graduated from the induction course.

The road is long and I am old.
I'm here where I want to be a long time ago.
It's not sad, no no no.
I took those detours so my heart will know.

posted from Bloggeroid

And so, it happens almost like the well greased clockwork of a mechanical heart. Every Saturday as the sun rises high at noon day, the dormant carefree true self emerges from the mundane cocoon of society and ceaseless work.

Ironically, we cease for the mere 1.5 days before returning to find more has accumulated.
But we no longer live from moment to moment, like a student. We now exist from moment to moment and live for the weekend.

Ahh, shall bike so aimlessly around my neighborhood for starters.
And hum a tune on my ukelele through the evening. And yes, you pseudo life of Facebook shall pale in comparison to the real thing.

posted from Bloggeroid

It was the first time I was in the waiting hall of the Hong Kong International Airport after it had been renovated and newly furnished since I last came 16 years ago. Hong Kong has changed tremedously, and culture shifted inevitably closer to that of the central government in Peking.

The past 3 days have been hectic, but nonethelss enjoyable. Visiting the sights and tasting the local delciacies, with the friends I have not seen for years, it's a rare opportunity. But amidst it all, there was always a lingering feeling - intertwined with appreciation and disappointment - the feeling that I have never left home.

Everything in Hong Kong runs like a clock, the mechanisms of society unendlessly running through the fine-tuned gears of economic prosperity. The traffic comes from the same side of the road just like back at home, and the electric sockets need no additional adaptors to fit my Canon battery pack. The traces of the British have been too deeply rooted in both our societies, it cannot be simply negated at the whimps of political upheaval or the change of governments.Even the distance from the hotel to the Yau Ma Tei MTR station bears an uncanny painful distance from home to the Lakeside MRT station.

I reflect on my past 3 days, how I have skipped meals to make the best out of the trip, how I have forgotten the pangs of hunger to queue up for another ride in Disneyland or to rush to another factory outlet in search of goods I wasnted but never could pay for back in Singapore. Then again, the spooky resemblance to that back at home, where we work never-endingly even through our lunch breaks saying that there is no time sufficient and there is no end to work. Perhaps, it is the atmosphere on the two islands, perhaps its the anxiety that drives us Hong Kong-ers and Singaporeans alike. We never know when to stop,when to eat and when to prioritise physiological needs over psychological over-emphasis on the tasks on hand.

I look at my plate of Popeye's fried chciken, thankful that with globalisation I could have this familiar dish set in front of me, thankful that with economic growth the Hong Kong dollar-less Singaporean could purchase her last meal in Hong Kong with her Visa before boarding the budget airline back home. And I recall the days, where I strongly oppose globalisation and the dilution of the local cultures of the earth. Now I enjoy my meal abashed that it is because of this very dilution of culture and economic growth that I could fit so easily and comfortably in a place miles from home.

I had spent my weekend away from home, doing things I also could have done at home.

except Disneyland which was awesome. Then again, there's the new Legoland now just next door.

For there is a time for everything
But there is also a "best before" date
When they are is never known to Man, who also sometimes enjoy food that are past the expiry dates.
And on such a matter ignorance is the key to bliss and on the former counting one's blessings is instead.

posted from Bloggeroid

The drain of a full days labour upon my weary shoulders, restricted in a crammed tight carriage

With the drone of the engine ringing through my ears
without the spark of any anomaly

I shall re-ponder in my pursuit
of simple happyness.

posted from Bloggeroid

May it accomplish the dreams of Man

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up... To more than I can be

-----------------------------

I was sitting down in the science library, trying to focus despite the unfamiliar surroundings, and the smell of mold in the air. Before I could warm my seat, my phone rang... It was Dad, and it wasn't the usual nagging or SMSes that he always sent me daily.
"The hospital called, they told us to make our way down as fast as we can. And to bring her IC along. They couldn't get your aunt. Let's go down now".

I immediately packed my things. Raced down the stairs as silently as I could.

We all knew it was coming. But, I didn't have enough time. At the very last moment, I doubted myself... I still failed to treasure the time I had with her. As I waited anxiously, around the canteen awaiting the yellow vehicle, I met with some whom I told the news.

"Is it alright?"
"Are you okay?"

I was.
Is it wrong to be?

All there was left to do was the administrative part of things.
We were told to anticipate this, many years before. Yellow man already didn't know what to think. Not that he ever tried to think.

I was the first to arrive. What greeted me was no longer a grandmother who couldn't speak my language, on the bed struggling to take her every breath. It was a mere cadaver, life sucked out of her earthly shell and eyes wide open like it had never been for a while now.

Up till now, I purposed only to see cadavers of people I never knew. Because I dissect and play with their innards in Anatomy class.

It wasn't hard to hold back the tears.
But it was hard to keep the waves of memory from washing up the shore of eternal regret.

The last time I saw her was 2 days ago.
Why didn't I come yesterday? I could have!
But I chose to wake up early to meet a friend for breakfast instead.
Is it wrong?

As my aunt cried and shouted for her to come back.
And we monitored the 12-lead ECG that she was hooked up to.
I don't think she's alive anymore.

The nurses said she can still hear us. "There's still abit... see here..." said the nurse pointing to the miniature fluctuations in the ECG.
Well, okay... I'd take her word for it. Maybe I'm not that smart afterall....
Maybe, she'd be able to return...


We tried to relieve the agony, and come to terms with everything with a little joke by the bedside.

But in the end...
this woman whom i lived with me for a few months when i was 6 years old.
met once at a hawker centre at 9 years old.
visited at her one-room apartment when i was 19 years old.
spent time with fortnightly while i was 22 years old.

has departed.

I was the horrible grand daughter who bullied everyone.
She was the loving grandmother who did all she could to accommodate my unreasonable requests, rude, spiteful, inconsiderate...

Surprisingly I still do recall what I demanded of her while I was on my way to PAP Kindergarden. How I mocked her, and she just did it without dignity to make me smile.
I feel so terrible. What a monster I was. am.

She was alert on Sunday and Monday.
All I could do was sit by her and try to read my Drug Quiz 2.
I didn't understand what she was saying.
And she couldn't understand the MP3s on my iPod which I place in her ears.
Why didn't I visit her on Monday. Why didn't I prepare the mp3 I wanted her to hear, immediately after I reached home on Sunday?


My final regret. was that I undoubtedly grew weary of being a good grand daughter. I didn't try harder.

I have done much more. than if I didn't have God.
But my regrets are really, minimised.

We all tried to smile. and pretend we have lives that are more important.
knowing inside, she has led a lonely hard life.

I wish they knew.
and never forget her.

I wish she didn't say "My life won't stop just because of this"

I wish I didn't had to call and persuade everybody to stop being busy and come to the hospital, to the death bed.

I wish I could have insisted that the silly doctor removed the urinary catheter and made her last days more comfortable.

I wish I had learnt my dialects well.

I wish I can love the rest of them even better, before they depart from this world.

谁言寸草心 抱得三春晖

If I have seen further it is only by standing on the shoulders of giants

Dedicated to a beloved grandmother. Mdm See B.C.
widowed at a young age.
raised her only 3 year-old son.
and took in another young girl.
a faithful follower of Christ and a remarkable woman in difficult times.