The road to the hospital was on higher grounds, wet but far from flooded.
As it sloped downward, the water rose again to my ankles.
I peered in the darkness and saw the staff in their home clothes rushing to and fro.
With many torches shining about, I found F standing outside the pharmacy.

Popping our head into the window through which we usually counsel our patients at, we flashed a light in and saw something bobbing up and down.
"It's the drug fridge!" F exclaimed.
Everything was in a mess, chairs were floating about. The medical records and letters strewn across the dark water surface...we didn't know what to do we just smiled at the desparation of the situation.

In time admist the chaos, F would have explained, that she had came in time to move some medicines in the bottom shelf upwards. But the water is only rising quicker than expected.
Without wanting to open the door and risk more things floating out into the open, we climbed through the small window onto the tables of the pharmacy and jumped in to the flood.

The small room laid lower than other parts of the hospital and the water was deeper inside.
As we waded in the dim light we hit unseen chairs and baskets under the surface. Hurriedly we scrambled to move the drugs higher up another shelf.
Through the course of the night, we would have repeated this regime thrice.
Until there was absolutely no more space further we could stack things up.
We unplugged the fridge and carried it to higher grounds.

When all could be done was done, we went around looking at other rooms, figuring out if we could help.
And when we couldn't, some went home to get the cameras and we clicked away.
As we struggled to get the best lighting in the worst flood the hospital has seen in the last 30 years, X-ray films and medical records, brown envelops and river fish floated by our naked thighs.

Dinner was packed phad thai, squatting on a bench outside the emergency room.
The water rose steadily then halted its virtical advance for the night. The bench rose just above the water surface.
As we gave thanks for the dinner, a 16 year-old tribal girl screams while giving birth to her first child on the other side of the wall behind us.

It was the 28th of July and I was sitting in my room rather disappointed at the weather.
The rain hadn't stopped for 4 days - since the moment I arrived at Sangkhlaburi. I was so near, yet so far, from the Three Pagodas Pass, the border customs from Thailand to Burma. It wasn't always opened, but these few years saw less tensions between the local Mon tribes and the authorities of Thailand and Burma.

The tribe traditionally saw the Tenasserim Mountains as their homelands, and rightly so, for they have lived here for decades. They declare no citizenship no loyalty to either side of the border. So when fights become violent, tourists are denied entry into the Burmese village. Only in this one Burmese village are we allowed to travel without a visa. But we have to returnt to Thailand before the sun sets and the border closes, or be stuck in Burma for the night.

But it was raining angrily, the splatter of the rain drowned the music from my netbook.
I plugged in the earphones and served aimlessly on the virtual world.

5.30pm.
I was disturbed by weird bubbling sounds in the bathroom. I walked in and saw the toilet bowl bubbling! Eew. Luckily no human excretion has made its reverse way back, should be fine.

I was expecting somebody to pick me up to have dinner with some missionaries.


5.45pm
She said she may even need to be there early. Perhaps she's held up, I'd just wait. Since my Thai SIM card doesn't even work in this part of Thailand where I am.

5.48pm
Facebooking... My neighbour upstairs posted a picture with Thai captions.
I read laboriously 'Not even 30 minutes later' it read. And the view was of that from upstairs down, outside my room. I'm staying on level one.
"LOL, that's a lot of rain" I thought.

5.50pm
I opened the room door. My neighbour on the right is frantically keeping her stuff.
"Naam Tuam Leew!" which is translated "O, the water is flooding!"
I smiled and nodded.

What do Singaporeans do? iPhone, instagram, video. LOL.

3 seconds later.
The water was in the room.
The person I was waiting for showed up, but instead of telling me of the dinner plans...
"Pack all your things!"
Huh? All? or just some?
"ALL AND HURRY!!"
Oh Oh. Okay.

Still not realising the full gravity of the matter, I half hurried to my bed room, and carried my haversack up onto the chair to pack.
Within the period of that conversation, the water had already seeped into the bedroom and soaked my haversack.
ZOMG. OK, I really have to pack Everything. Which is like Everywhere!

6.15pm. I carried all my barang-barang.
I had packed my slippers and shoes into some random compartment of my bag too.
There is no point wearing footwear when the water is halfway up your shin. Everything is save. I think.
I should've packed everything. All that I can remember at least.

"The hospital is flooded, water is in the pharmacy too!
I'd set up the rice cooker first to cook rice before the power gets cut off too. Then we have nothing to eat for dinner! Come when you're ready and wear the boots!"

So I searched everywhere, but in my flustered state I had no idea where everything was.
I gave up finding the torch and hoped somebody would be providing light.
I slipped into the boots and down the stairs, wading across the waist deep waters across the room I was listening to David Choi just 30 minutes ago.

End of Day Two

There really isn't much to do in the morning before the patients are seen by the doctors.
And because in the afternoon one doctor would be in the surgery room, there really is much less to do in the afternoon after lunch.

So the busy hours are about 10.30am to 12.30pm.
That's not too bad, because those times I would be struggling to keep up with the Thai language.
Labels here are written manually, with templates pre-printed on sticker papers - eye drops, syrups, tablets, antibiotic steroid creams, insulin injections. All in Thai with standard instructions - _____ tablets _____ times per day, L/R eye/ear/nose, before/ after food, morning/ afternoon/ night etc.
And its more laborious for them to speak English than for me to speak Thai. So I just have to improve miraculously some how.

I guess I'm getting much better. It's like doing my Thai kaan baan (home work) about 15 times per day.
Reading and understanding.
Hardest thing now is actually reading cursive Thai handwriting from the receptionist. If I get it wrong then we won't be able to label the medicines properly.

And also getting used to different practices here.
Beta lactams are eaten before food, whilst I learnt it was better absorbed before food in school, I remember being shot down in preceptorship year 3 for the same thing. Because the GI SEs for empty stomach ingestion of augmentin & friends are just too common in my place of practice, we suggest post-meal administration.
I wasted at least 5 labels today  for such errors.
Feel silly, but was a good point of discussion for my fellow friend.

Next week onwards, I'm the only pharmacist around. GG.

Well, cases are usually simple here.
Vitamins, Painkillers, Anti-fungals... But today we got a long script (by local standards).
I felt relieved when I found it all too familiar - HTN, HLD & DM medications. 82 year-old gentleman seen at OPD for back pain along with chronic disease management follow-up.
I checked and couldn't find any recent SCr tests done.
He was on the classic furosemide, aspirin, enalapril and short term ibuprofen combination.
Too often in Sg we rely on many lab results, I was rather uneasy when I didn't see any SCr tests done.
Upon asking, I found the test to be at least the cost of 5 average meals. And usually folks don't eat out too...

As I discussed and explained to my fellow pharmacist as to my concerns, and explained the pathophysiology of AKI, my thoughts inevitably wondered back to the thought I had as a pre-registration pharamcist.
The thought that there is so little emphasis on pharmaco-economic research use of medications/ lab tests etc, where I come from. There is so much wastage, so much costs involved in just getting well due to medico-legal issues, due to quality assurance validations etc.

Then we discussed the US military's 2006 research on the extendable drug shelf life beyond manufacturer's labelled expiry date. The longest is 66 months - yeah do the math, that's like how many years can......
All that money on the ridculous electricity bill to keep the temperature within range, and freeze the humans working in them. !@#$%%^&&*() 

The driver pushed on the accelerator, pushing the coach up the slope like a rider whipping hard at his horse.
The bus groaned and the engines roared. But the speed it climbed up the slopes of Kanchanaburi was excruciatingly slow.

Branches were sweeping before my face, as I sit in comfort of being an obvious misfit in the thick jungles of Thailand.
Just hours ago, the scenery was vastly different. With large bilingual signs pointing towards famous national parks, waterfalls, death railway monuments and grand homes lying to each side of the road. As the bus departed from Kanchanaburi bus terminal, the signs became monolingual, no longer needing to address the foreigners. The grand houses gave way to more greenery, ocassionally speckeled by simple wooden huts.

And like taking a cue from the signagtes, the bus attendants now made announcments in Thai only. The caucasian passengers had alighted in Kanchanaburi. And I was an ambiguous entity.
I felt a bout of panic, and reached for my Singaporean helpline - The Internet.

 Where was I?
I had passed the last known stop Kanchanaburi, now how long more?

Heng ah, got buy data plan!

Ya right.
I really wasn't totally surprised when the phone just read 'emergency calls only'.
I switched cell phones.
No reception. I can't GPS myself. Neither can I call anyone.

According to calculations and asking different people before I got on the bus, I could arrive between 3 - 6pm. It was 4pm.
If I let this panic grow and sink in, I will probably be toturing my own mind and look like a fool.

So I sit back and take another bite of the crispy noodles from W.

-----------------------------------

Suddenly at 4.30pm we stopped at a very random provision shop looking hut.
There were no signages.
And the bus attendant was startled by an silent noise.
She turned towards me and gestured for me to alight.

'This is Sangkhlaburi?' I asked in my broken Thai, half embarassed that I had to project my voice to the front of the vehicle. All the Thais in the bus would've heard me, I was the last passenger in the back.

I alighted.
Clumsily with my barang barang.
It was raining.
And I don't know how to proceed.

A motorcycle uncle in a poncho approached me.
'Where are you going? Need a ride?'
It's a motorcycle taxi. Not a helpful passerby. So I looked at all my things, and we figured out I could never fit behind his motorcycle. So he sped off.

I texted my only contact.
He made no reply.

I waited standing in the rain, figuring out where I was.
Then I saw a sign. Very obscured if you weren't under that shelter.
It said Sangkhlaburi Bus Station. And below it a table.

There was a young chap seated there when I alighted.
Perhaps there was no more buses anticipated to arrive for the day.
So he disappeared.

I made a call.
No answer.
I flipped through the document sent to me for volunteers. 'How to proceed from the Sangkhlaburi Bus Station' Hmmmmm...

I should take a taxi.
And the bus attendant had pointed me in the direction of taxi stand?, maybe?, before she dropped me off.
But I couldn't really figure out what she was trying to say.
And I don't want to wander around with a crumpler, a guitar, a haversack and a bag full of food in the heavy rain.

30 minutes passed.
Countless vehicles passed by that I thought 'Hmm, this could be my ride', or 'That is too luxurious to be a mission hospital vehicle'.
And suddenly a large man approached the station in rain. He had been on the other side of the street receiving goods from people. So it can't be him.

'Are you a pharmacist?'
Yes!
'O, the car is over there. Please come!'
Pleasantly surprise and utterly relieved, I lugged all my ridiculous baggage onto the truck he came in.

The ride took much longer than I expected.
He was, N, the managing director of the hospital. Originally from Bangkok, N has worked here for 7 years.

They thought I was from Hong Kong.
And there was only one pharmacist in the hospital, who only just graduated from university.
She arrived 3 months ago.
For the 10 years before she came, there was no pharamcist.
She must be an answer to many prayers.


Soon I was showed my room.
The entrance was two doors, I thought it was a house
Peeking in there were 3 rooms inside and an entire large living room area with adjacent kitchen.
So I assume only one room would be mine.


I thanked N.
The first door was the bedroom which was humble but adequate. But there are no mosquito nets. I wonder what the night would be. The rain still pouring out yonder.
There was no bathroom ensuite. Just a foldable chair, a closet and a mirror.
The many drawers of the closet was not openable. I dared not use too much force so I left them alone. There's more than enough space for everything I brought anyway.

The second door opened to a dark dingy room.
There was nothing in it.
I couldn't even switch on the lights.
No furniture, just tiled floor. Couldn't figure out if it was meant to be a bathroom or another bedroom.
Creepy. Got out and closed the door. Bolted it in fact.

The last door opened, and I thought maybe I will stay in this bedroom instead if the toilet is in this one.
Otherwise, the bathroom must be a common one outside.
But it wasn't a bedroom.
It was an entire bathroom. Wait. So I have no roomies. This is a one person room. o.O

An unexpected surprise is when a friend decides to make your solo trip easier by picking you up at the airport. So W heard of my coming, and kindly offered to bring me around her country and even had an elaborate plan. After countless embarassing times I had to ask her to change her schedule to fit mine, I was there at Don Muang airport.

The flight was populated by Thais. Even at Changi Airport, the announcments were first made in Thai to board the aircraft, followed by in English. I was surprised that I could still understand the general idea of each sentence, having been out of practice for so long.

I queued up. But didn't realise I was in the way of a lady with a child.
'Excuse me'
I turned around.
'O!' She gaspsed and looked a little embarassed, 'Khor Thoat Kha' She said in Thai instead.
I moved out of her way and smiled.

Left a little confused why a Thai would find a farang (foreigner) an ambiguous entity, when I was right there in Singapore. And that made me worry the air stewardess wouldn't pass me my immigration card before we reached the Land of Smiles.

-----------------

It was 30 minutes past noon. 

The air in these air crafts always assaults my sinuses. I was a wreck queuing up at the immigration. A true blue farang turned around and commented that he never had any of these problems on flights. And that it seemed most Asians have it. It made sense. But we made no further conversations. 

I lugged my haversack, my guitar and my crumpler all onto the trolley. 

The officer must have thought I would be too slow to load up all the luggage onto the X-ray scanning thingy, he let me pass.

In the midst of everyone, J, W's other half stood out amongst them.

And for the rest of the day, I would get to see Ayuthaya with W&J. I felt kind of intruding yet grateful and desperate enough for some sort of guide out of Don Muang and around Thailand. 

Had I arrived at the main international airport it would've been so much easier - the airport rail, the BTS. But Don Muang has none of those. Not even selling the tourist SIM card.

------------

The drive to ayuthaya was about an hour. And when we were there, it felt like a Thai version of Kending.

Except the sea was a river instead.

Homestays could be found in every soi (alleys), every turn, and their backyards were usually the river.

Lunch was lovely, river prawns and river fish. 

I always preferred Thai food to Chinese food in terms of Tze Char style.

Then we did what all first-timers to Ayuthaya must do.

We saw the ancient ruins of Ayuthaya, the former capital of Thailand for 417 years. The main pagoda was still smack in the middle of the traffic and it became a wongwian (traffic circle/ round about).

The ruins were a UNESCO Heritage Site. Whatever that means, it seems awesome to visit it.

Except it is like the Piazzo beside the Roman Colosseum - imagination required ++.

Wind, rain and militants have assaulted the structures years ago. Though now protected, time continues to corrode it, brick by brick.

We visited the floating market. Spend time getting lost around it. And found out we had arrived too late - elephant rides were closed, cultural performances ended, shops were closing. But I bought an interesting local snack Roti Sinai (?sp). It's like popiah skin wrapped around shreds of sugar (like shredded cotton candy). Meant for dessert after dinner.

Dinner was Thai-styled barbecue. Which they ironically call it Korean style barbecue in Thai. 

Confusing much.

But its a charcoal clay base on top which we place an aluminium dome shaped appartus. The dome is pierced with many holes and serve as a hot plate for BBQ-ing meat. Around that dome would be a circular catchment area, where soup was poured in to boil instead of BBQ. 

I loved it. We all had so much to eat that Roti Sinai was reserved for breakfast instead.

--------

7am we were out. 

The homestay was so beautiful and comfortable. 

Last night I was so so tempted to just sleep without showering - yes with the BBQ smell and the day's journey on my back even. I enjoyed myself, but having slept at 5am the previous night, I was close to comatose.

The mosquito net kept the bugs out. The air con kept the heat out.

And the weariness kept the loneliness out.

Now in the morning we could see the river better. We threw in some bread we bought last night into the river and watched the little fishies jumped at them with menance. They're probably having a civil war down there over bread.

9am we reached the bus terminal, in the thick of the Bangkok traffic. 

We had planned to reach at 8.30am. 

I bid W goodbye, and regretted not bidding J goodbye as he parked the car.

I got on the bus in time, and the loneliness sunk in.

 

Sometimes when you leave for a place afar, you convince everybody else around you it's an awesome place you're going to. And their excitement is what keeps you on course instead.

So, with much apprehension, I managed to overcome the procrastination bugs within me and started packing my haversack - at 11.36pm. I've been travelling the past 2 months and I pretty know what I need to bring and where everything is. So it took me much faster than when I was packing for my 6 weeks to India.
Afterall, this was half the length and did not require any winter clothes.

But still, I ended at 4.46am.

And that helped me to wake up at 7.45am.
The flight was at 10.50am. Not funny.
Called a cab, still couldn't make it on time. Aunty was ready to leave with the cab empty by the time I got downstairs.

One right turn - main road.
Second right turn - road leading to the highway straigh to the airport.
I could make it. Really.

20 min later.
I was 20m away from where I was.

I couldn't take it anymore. I told aunty I was going to miss my flight.
She apologised."Usually PIE is faster than AYE".
But we both know. I should've gotten up earlier.
But I know. I should've packed my bag on Sunday night.


30min later, we passed the accident site. And merciful aunty kindly went all the way on the accelerator pedal.
But the clock was ticking, as if in response to her speed.
I could miss the flight.
Check-in online? Tried. Failed. Too late, it's closed.

A thousand heart beats later. I arrived at the terminal. I rushed to the counter, the service personnel quickly processed my check-in. No others in line seemed to be going to the same destination. Most of them are for later flights.

Nonethelss, I sped toward the custom clearance.
No goodbyes.
No need to look back.

I hadn't even had much time to tell my parents I was leaving.
I thought I would see them in the morning.
But I didn't.
Only woke up to hear my own sister showering in the toilet, and had time only to shout "good bye, I'm going to Thailand!"

That really haunted me as I raced toward the plane.
The last time I did that before leaving India, I returned without ever having the opportunity to say goodbye to a dear friend. I was just 100m away from her every night while doing my night shift.
I was so tired the last night, and hadn't packed my bags that I decided I will not go see her.
I thought I could bring back some nice stories to share with her.
She who has been imprisoned in that same room for the last 6 months after her bone marrow transplant. Infection after infection. I knew without a doubt she'd overcome them all. And soon, she'll be out and about in no time. I knew. I thought I knew.

So this short time I was back in Singapore. I made sure I said my goodbyes to the dear ones.
Because you never know when it really would be the last time.
But the truth is, I left them out of it. Subconciously or consciously. Maybe both.
My priorities are so messed up.

What good will come out of me, leaving them again?
How will I ever find that balance I've been wanting to achieve. Just 8 days back with them has numbed me of the feelings a healthy normal person would never wish to be without for the rest of their lives?
The feeling of family.

But then, what was that apprehension all about?

The chills and aches are running over my body as I alternate between typing and blowing my nose. It's already been 5 days butI no longer feel home.

49 days ago, I packed my haversack in a hurry. With insufficent space in my bag and insufficient power in my back, I had to leave behind so many things I wanted to bring along with me.
Why did I leave?
Perhaps because I could no longer live with the person I have become to be.

8 years ago I found God.
6 years ago I found myself. lost.
Lost in the expectations of men, society and family.

4 years ago I abandoned almost everything I came to believe in and fled. I was physically existing and not liking a single bit of it.

I indulged in any form of ill discipline I could - the fruit of which is time lost, and an extremely terrible clutter of mess and dust in my own room.

The journey I embarked on 49 days ago is a mere beginning.

So I came back, a little changed.
And not being able to tolerate my old habits.
 
The frustrating but childish question that bogged my mind and soul for 4 years is slowly crumbling into pieces. The dead knot slowly loosened and hopefully untied.
And the childish acts of defiance to my own well-being was no longer even temporarily satisfying.


A year ago, when I got a new phone, the lady kindly downloaded 'Angry Birds' on my phone to test it was working properly.
And that started it - the addiction of hp games slowly crept into my life.

As a time stealer, and an escape - only to leave me physically tired every day but emotionally not feeling any better. It occupied my mind outside of work. I didn't want to work OT, but I didn't want to think of all that has happened. So frustrating and confusing, the games became a convenient temporal satisfaction like alcohol to a broken heart.


Today I returned to home and had my games going again. For the last 4 days, even today.
And an utter disgust overwhelmed me, the thick layer of dust screamed at me and made my nose sneeze and eye itch terribly.

So it was hello, for the past 4 days. I know you will find your unlimited no. of victims in the broken world out there.
But goodbye, forever. I may miss you from time to time, but definitely less often as time goes by.

Playing each game for the last time, I recall the lovely world of Books I found in Manali, India.
O! That which increased my insights, and left me so much more satisfied, and changed my life a little by a little. 

If each game was 5min, I would have wasted almost 24h running away from a virtual gorilla.
That's 3 full 8h work-days!

This wasn't fun at all.
Honestly, I played because everybody was playing it.

RIP Guy Dangerous & the other characters of the game,
whose names I forgotten in the duration I took to upload these photos.